Everyday Systems

Hello. I have been doing this diet for about 2 months. I feel extremely guilty when I have desserts on S days. It feels like a tug-of-war in my brain between wanting dessert and feeling that it would be bad to have it. I threw away my scale 2 weeks ago and am deeply concerned that I have gained a lot of weight. I think I eat emotionally, when I have difficult feelings I do not want to deal with. I would love some help with this.

Do you come from a history of a lot of dieting?

How old are you?

Yes, history of lots of dieting and food craziness. I'm 29. It's nice of you to reply.

Hi ! Welcome to the boards.

Although this sounds simplistic, if eating the dessert makes you feel bad - could you just not it eat and see if you feel better that way? You won't be giving up something that your body truly needs to survive and perhaps you need the control of saying - Even on an S day, I don't really want to eat this.

No rule saying that you MUST partake or MUST treat any day differently from another. You may but you are not required to.

Wishing you well. Perhaps you are one, there are many of us, who will end up treating S days not much differently from N days.

Strawberryroan is right that a lot of people's S-days don't look a great deal different from their N-days. And certainly that's okay. I'm of the "It's appropriate to feast on traditional feast days" school. But we don't have feast days every weekend, do we? If Sunday dessert is a traditional thing for your and your family, that's cool, but you don't have to.

While you're not required to have dessert, getting over foolishness about food (and yeah, a serious diet history will do it to you) is also a good idea. Which in my strong opinion is getting rid of moralizing around food consumption and body size. While I'm highly in favor of having good boundaries around eating habits, I think in general we take that to foolish and unhealthy extremes in our society. (I'm speaking as an American, a culture not exactly noted for moderation at the best of times)

I think some of this is appropriate guilt v. inappropriate guilt. If you lashed out at someone and said something mean, then felt guilt, that would be appropriate guilt, right? You hurt someone. If you hoarded all the candy in the house and didn't share? That's some food-based appropriate guilt. You were being unkind to your household. If there was enough pie for everyone to have a slice on a Sunday, so you did, too, I consider that inappropriate guilt, as the group was going to enjoy this treat together and you weren't hurting anyone else doing it.

If you declined the slice of pie because you'd had a big meal and were too full to enjoy it without a stomach ache, yes you were doing yourself a favor and listening to your physical cues. But declining the pie because you think you're too fat to deserve an occasional treat? Ultimately not a good idea.

I'm not trying to be fluffybunny here. I'm all for self-discipline, but self-discipline is a tool to get what you want. And asking yourself what you want and why is good. I strongly encourage anyone dieting to ask themselves in all seriousness why they want to be thin. If the answer is, "Because then I'll be an okay human deserving of being treated well" it might be that losing weight isn't going to solve that particular problem.

Did you listen to/read Reinhard's podcast on S-Days vs. Cheat-Days? I found that understanding the difference was very helpful to me.

Welcome, btw! We must have started around the same time, I'm just under 2 months.

Nearly everyone eats when not really hungry. The difference is frequency amount, and dependence. Feeling guilt for it is part of the cycle and subconsciously makes you feel you've done your penance so you can sin again. It's become part of the habit of eating that food and perpetuates the later repetition.

If you want to weaken any cycle, interrupt it at any point.

If you want to avoid guilt, either decide it's not warranted, resolve to enjoy every bite of everything you eat, and refuse guilt, diverting yourself as often as necessary just as you would from untimely hunger, or do as Strawberry Roan suggests and skip the offending behavior. You'll find out which is harder to take, guilt or "deprivation." And you'll get better at one of them.

I hope you'll persist with this. Take it from someone who got exposed to something very similar when I was just a little older than you, this is likely your best bet. Avoid the decades I and many others suffered not believing it. And try to give up on weight loss for now. Work on body acceptance and increasing the ratio of quality food at your delicious meals; vow to tolerate and divert from difficult feelings and expand your life between meals: see where things meet in the middle.

Thank you for your thoughtful and kind replies. I especially like this idea of inappropriate v. appropriate guilt, and the idea of resolving to never feel guilty about anything I eat. I am going to challenge myself to do that. I really eat pretty helpfully and am not overweight. Your support means a lot to me.

Just wanted to reinforce your resolve by reporting that Dr. Yoni Freedhoff, obesity specialist, insists in his book The Diet Fix (why diets fail, etc.) that eradicating guilt over eating and weight is crucial. This doesn't mean a person can't be thoughtful and reflective.

Also, try not to mix up the natural feelings of discomfort from overeating, IF you do that, to the feelings of guilt. Guilt can happen so often in their presence that they can be misread.

Keep up the good work!