Fulfilling Unknown Needs vs "Self Sabotaging"
Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:29 pm
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and I'm sorry if what I say offends anyone, I'm not trying to criticize nor belittle anything, only trying to offer an alternative point of view.
If you want to read the summary instead of the whole post, then feel free to scroll down to the last two lines.
Also, I come from a hypnotherapy background, though admittedly I decided not to open up a practice. So take what I have to say with that in mind, heh.
We, as people, aren't an all-or-nothing when it comes to wants/habits. We often have conflicting wants/desires as well as conflicting habits. Consciously we can say that we want X, and we can have all sorts of really good reasons why X is good for us, etc. But when it comes to actually putting X into practice, it turns out that there is a part of us, big or small or even tiny, that wants NOT X, or perhaps Y. If we ignore this part of us, or attempt to stuff it down or quiet it, it WILL pop up somehow... and not usually in a good way/time.
Unfortunately, some people interpret this popping up as 'self destructive' or 'self sabotage'. Admittedly, sometimes some people CAN be flat out self destructive or flat out sabotage themselves. But from my experience, MOST often, it's more along the lines of the person suppressing a conflicting want/desire. And the majority of those times, the person doesn't take the time and effort (for whatever reason) to figure out what that want/desire or habit is, and how to fill that need before it pops up so negatively.
For example, smoking. So many people attempt to stop smoking, but fail to take into consideration the various benefits they get from smoking. And I'm not talking the nicotine. I'm talking about having an 'acceptable' excuse to take a 5 minute break from work, the social aspects of standing outside with other smokers and chitchatting, the time spent alone to contemplate, giving the hands something to do, giving the mouth something to do, etc.
When I work with someone, I have to check around for these kinds of things. I have to find out what needs are being fulfilled. And then I have to help them find alternative ways of fulfilling those needs.
Of course, I also have to look for triggers. In the case of eating, it's often things like searching for comfort after an argument, or a stressful day, or jumping on the computer to check forum thread updates, watching tv, reading the newspaper, etc.
For each of these things, (triggers and other needs), I help the person figure out alternative choices that they can make for each instance. And then the suggestive process of hypnotherapy involves basically getting them to mentally rehearse and/or practice making those decisions. So that when they are faced with the situation in real life, there are already some connections to the desired behavior, making it a bit easier to make the choice. Each time they succeed in making the choice, they've just strengthened that option, and slightly lessened the strength of the previous 'option'. Over time, the desired behavior becomes stronger than the previous behavior, and then eventually into a habit.
This is pretty much the basis of what the No S diet does. It tells us that for these particular instances (snacking, sweets, seconds) saying No is a better choice than following previous habits. Each time we say No, and succeed in the follow through of that No, we've strengthened the desired behavior. After the 21 day or so of successful behavior, then we've at the very least have added an alternative behavior that we can more easily choose from. While at the same time greatly lessening the strength of the previous behavior. This is the start of a new habit, but it's not the culmination of the new habit. Eventually, it becomes easier to choose the desired behavior. And eventually the previous behavior no longer 'pops up' as the first possible choice. How long this process takes depends largely on how strong the previous behavior was, and how many times we successfully choose the desired behavior.
But again, Y behavior very rarely fulfills a single need. It's usually filling a number of needs. And those other needs really do need to be considered to help make X behavior a viable option for the whole of the person.
And again, in most cases, those are real needs that the person has, regardless of how 'rational' those needs are or aren't. They exist. And they've gotten fulfillment before, and they need to continue to be fulfilled somehow. But that doesn't mean that those needs are 'subconscious self sabotage'.
My suggestion (for whatever it's worth)..
If you find yourself 'self sabotaging', or mindlessly reverting back to previous undesired habits, take some time to figure out what need that that behavior fulfills. It may take a while to find a viable solution for fulfilling that need (maybe even years of try this, try that, try this other)... but at the very least, being aware of that need helps to reduce the self-criticism or self-putdowns. It helps to put the behavior back into perspective.
The habits we have, fulfill needs that we may or may not even be aware of.
We Do things (consciously or not), because it fulfills a Need.
If you want to read the summary instead of the whole post, then feel free to scroll down to the last two lines.
Also, I come from a hypnotherapy background, though admittedly I decided not to open up a practice. So take what I have to say with that in mind, heh.
We, as people, aren't an all-or-nothing when it comes to wants/habits. We often have conflicting wants/desires as well as conflicting habits. Consciously we can say that we want X, and we can have all sorts of really good reasons why X is good for us, etc. But when it comes to actually putting X into practice, it turns out that there is a part of us, big or small or even tiny, that wants NOT X, or perhaps Y. If we ignore this part of us, or attempt to stuff it down or quiet it, it WILL pop up somehow... and not usually in a good way/time.
Unfortunately, some people interpret this popping up as 'self destructive' or 'self sabotage'. Admittedly, sometimes some people CAN be flat out self destructive or flat out sabotage themselves. But from my experience, MOST often, it's more along the lines of the person suppressing a conflicting want/desire. And the majority of those times, the person doesn't take the time and effort (for whatever reason) to figure out what that want/desire or habit is, and how to fill that need before it pops up so negatively.
For example, smoking. So many people attempt to stop smoking, but fail to take into consideration the various benefits they get from smoking. And I'm not talking the nicotine. I'm talking about having an 'acceptable' excuse to take a 5 minute break from work, the social aspects of standing outside with other smokers and chitchatting, the time spent alone to contemplate, giving the hands something to do, giving the mouth something to do, etc.
When I work with someone, I have to check around for these kinds of things. I have to find out what needs are being fulfilled. And then I have to help them find alternative ways of fulfilling those needs.
Of course, I also have to look for triggers. In the case of eating, it's often things like searching for comfort after an argument, or a stressful day, or jumping on the computer to check forum thread updates, watching tv, reading the newspaper, etc.
For each of these things, (triggers and other needs), I help the person figure out alternative choices that they can make for each instance. And then the suggestive process of hypnotherapy involves basically getting them to mentally rehearse and/or practice making those decisions. So that when they are faced with the situation in real life, there are already some connections to the desired behavior, making it a bit easier to make the choice. Each time they succeed in making the choice, they've just strengthened that option, and slightly lessened the strength of the previous 'option'. Over time, the desired behavior becomes stronger than the previous behavior, and then eventually into a habit.
This is pretty much the basis of what the No S diet does. It tells us that for these particular instances (snacking, sweets, seconds) saying No is a better choice than following previous habits. Each time we say No, and succeed in the follow through of that No, we've strengthened the desired behavior. After the 21 day or so of successful behavior, then we've at the very least have added an alternative behavior that we can more easily choose from. While at the same time greatly lessening the strength of the previous behavior. This is the start of a new habit, but it's not the culmination of the new habit. Eventually, it becomes easier to choose the desired behavior. And eventually the previous behavior no longer 'pops up' as the first possible choice. How long this process takes depends largely on how strong the previous behavior was, and how many times we successfully choose the desired behavior.
But again, Y behavior very rarely fulfills a single need. It's usually filling a number of needs. And those other needs really do need to be considered to help make X behavior a viable option for the whole of the person.
And again, in most cases, those are real needs that the person has, regardless of how 'rational' those needs are or aren't. They exist. And they've gotten fulfillment before, and they need to continue to be fulfilled somehow. But that doesn't mean that those needs are 'subconscious self sabotage'.
My suggestion (for whatever it's worth)..
If you find yourself 'self sabotaging', or mindlessly reverting back to previous undesired habits, take some time to figure out what need that that behavior fulfills. It may take a while to find a viable solution for fulfilling that need (maybe even years of try this, try that, try this other)... but at the very least, being aware of that need helps to reduce the self-criticism or self-putdowns. It helps to put the behavior back into perspective.
The habits we have, fulfill needs that we may or may not even be aware of.
We Do things (consciously or not), because it fulfills a Need.