Ok, honesty time and for me, that's HUGE! I need help.
Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:35 am
GOOD LORD what IS it going to TAKE I ASK you??? I admit that in the past on a board, if I slipped, I wouldn't admit it for anything... but I'm finding I just can't do that here. It's time to ask for help and swallow my pride, without feeling like a failure so here goes...And boy what a pride swallower this is for me, to admit this soon how weak I am. But I'm not about to let myself get on here and be dishonest with you all, as I've been with myself. I mean how else can anyone help me if I'm not honest with them, or myself?
I've screwed up everyday since committing to start this (can't even remember if it's been 2 days or 3). It's nobody's fault but my own.. WHAT THE HAYULL kind of deep seeded crap from 35 yrs of a love-hate relationship with food, is gripping me like this?? WHY do I have to fall into this "nothing is going to control ME" mentality every dang time? Who am I kidding here? I think I know it's my need to teach my "Mr. Weight Police" brother a lesson (who criticized my weight since I was 15 yrs old, when I weighed a healthy 135 lbs and now that look back on it, looked HOT I might add... and oohhhhhh what it would be like to weigh that NOW... Well I'm SHOWING HIM all right... eating my way to not losing weight and in showing HIM, I'm only hurting myself.
I'd LOVE to get back down, to what I was conditioned to think was WAY too much weight and "never good enough" by a brother who thought only size 2 or 4 and/or 100 lbs apparently was what EVERY female should be, so anything more than that just wasn't acceptable. (This was way back in the 70s by the way when it started. He leaves me alone about it now. I guess when he found out I had Leukemia and actually cried for a couple minutes, he realized in the grand scheme of things maybe that wasn't so important... who knows???)
I was a size 9/11 at that time... which I see now is NOT TOO BIG AT ALL! Needless to say, I idolized him, my only big brother, and seeked his approval for everything, since I thought he was the King of everything so obviously what HE thought was ALL that mattered.
Ok, now that I've exposed a childhood issue or two in my family... which I hate doing cuz I was raised to think that what everyone else thinks REALLY MATTERS... so it's really hard for me to "expose" anything. Especially when I know what a sweet angel my precious mother was before she died... I felt like I lost my whole world...
ANYWAY, enough of that mushy family mess. Confused So all of that was to say... well I don't really know, cept to blow some very pent up steam I guess. Ha! I can however say, that my "cheats" in the last couple days were each once daily, instead of eating something with sugar 3-4x daily. That's the best I could do I spose at least at that time. I did have some feelings of freedom, and even a feeling of self-control a few minutes each day. Neither of which I've felt in a lonnnnnnng time. So that's progress. I gotta tell you, when I did feel it, man did it feel good.
I don't mean to beat myself up so much, I know I should be proud of what I DID accomplish during this time and I can't fix it overnight. It's just that No S just seems so perfect for people like me, whose drug of choice is food. And it seems so attainable, and makes the most sense of everything I've ever read about or tried to do. So I was really pumped about it but didn't last 2 days. I'm going to have to figure out some really good mind tricks to use on myself because even when I did choose to eat my favorite ice cream, I'm not too sure I wanted it and I know I wasn't physically hungry for it. I just wanted it more than anything because I knew I "couldn't have it" til the weekend. So again... I'll show SOMEBODY Rolling Eyes, I can't be controlled, when I know that is directly related to my love/hate relationship with my brother (when it comes to my past mostly).
Well anyway... that's it for now. REALLY sorry to be so long here, but I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I'm reaching out for whatever help I can get on here, even if it means admitting to things I don't typically want to share.
I've screwed up everyday since committing to start this (can't even remember if it's been 2 days or 3). It's nobody's fault but my own.. WHAT THE HAYULL kind of deep seeded crap from 35 yrs of a love-hate relationship with food, is gripping me like this?? WHY do I have to fall into this "nothing is going to control ME" mentality every dang time? Who am I kidding here? I think I know it's my need to teach my "Mr. Weight Police" brother a lesson (who criticized my weight since I was 15 yrs old, when I weighed a healthy 135 lbs and now that look back on it, looked HOT I might add... and oohhhhhh what it would be like to weigh that NOW... Well I'm SHOWING HIM all right... eating my way to not losing weight and in showing HIM, I'm only hurting myself.
I'd LOVE to get back down, to what I was conditioned to think was WAY too much weight and "never good enough" by a brother who thought only size 2 or 4 and/or 100 lbs apparently was what EVERY female should be, so anything more than that just wasn't acceptable. (This was way back in the 70s by the way when it started. He leaves me alone about it now. I guess when he found out I had Leukemia and actually cried for a couple minutes, he realized in the grand scheme of things maybe that wasn't so important... who knows???)
I was a size 9/11 at that time... which I see now is NOT TOO BIG AT ALL! Needless to say, I idolized him, my only big brother, and seeked his approval for everything, since I thought he was the King of everything so obviously what HE thought was ALL that mattered.
Ok, now that I've exposed a childhood issue or two in my family... which I hate doing cuz I was raised to think that what everyone else thinks REALLY MATTERS... so it's really hard for me to "expose" anything. Especially when I know what a sweet angel my precious mother was before she died... I felt like I lost my whole world...
ANYWAY, enough of that mushy family mess. Confused So all of that was to say... well I don't really know, cept to blow some very pent up steam I guess. Ha! I can however say, that my "cheats" in the last couple days were each once daily, instead of eating something with sugar 3-4x daily. That's the best I could do I spose at least at that time. I did have some feelings of freedom, and even a feeling of self-control a few minutes each day. Neither of which I've felt in a lonnnnnnng time. So that's progress. I gotta tell you, when I did feel it, man did it feel good.
I don't mean to beat myself up so much, I know I should be proud of what I DID accomplish during this time and I can't fix it overnight. It's just that No S just seems so perfect for people like me, whose drug of choice is food. And it seems so attainable, and makes the most sense of everything I've ever read about or tried to do. So I was really pumped about it but didn't last 2 days. I'm going to have to figure out some really good mind tricks to use on myself because even when I did choose to eat my favorite ice cream, I'm not too sure I wanted it and I know I wasn't physically hungry for it. I just wanted it more than anything because I knew I "couldn't have it" til the weekend. So again... I'll show SOMEBODY Rolling Eyes, I can't be controlled, when I know that is directly related to my love/hate relationship with my brother (when it comes to my past mostly).
Well anyway... that's it for now. REALLY sorry to be so long here, but I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I'm reaching out for whatever help I can get on here, even if it means admitting to things I don't typically want to share.