I want to break the record player playing this broken record
Posted: Sun Jan 17, 2016 8:38 pm
This is a post that many of you have posted before.
I am hopeless.
When I first heard about No S, I had that initial enthusiasm, and I stuck with it for a little while, and I seem to recall it actually worked, or at the very least made me feel better.
But not anymore. I am like a wild cave person, ravenous and violent around food. I tear into things. That's really the best word, "tear." When I see food I have decided I'm going to eat, I black out in a way, and the beast inside takes over. And then I come to my senses later when I'm stuffed and thinking how stupid and fat I am, and how stupid and fat I was yesterday, and how I hope some deity will descend and deliver me from being as stupid and fat tomorrow as I am today.
But of course the deity is busy with people's actual problems, and me stuffing 35 white-chocolate-covered pretzels down my gullet doesn't really make it high up the list. Nor does guzzling enough whole milk to drown a baby cow.
I understand that the only person who's coming to the rescue of my body is me.
But I can't be bothered. I start most days with high hopes for doing well, for not eating any sweets or having any seconds, and I think that maybe by the time I walk out of work I'll be svelte and French and stylish. But then I immediately (almost) descend into cave person behavior again.
It starts with the coffee. A latte (free) made with 2% milk (for baby cows watching their baby-cow figure). But then I add 4 packets of sugar. Why? Well, because it's delicious and you all know it.
And then it's on to lunch. Usually my lunch is disappointing. I usually don't bring my lunch. So when I eat something that I didn't really want, the beast cave person begins planning.
"I will just eat this salad now, and no one will look at me and think 'yeah, that fat girl would be eating [whatever].' That way no one will be wiser to the second part of my plan, which is to go home and tear into the chocolate covered pretzels and whole milk."
Sadly, this plan is what gives me energy for the rest of the day.
I think, and I'm not sure because I'm not a doctor, but I think this is what serious addicts do. They're always scheming to get the next fix. And that is exactly what I do every day.
I can't say that it's even sugar that I'm obsessed with. I could do without sugar if I were to eat some delicious and unhealthy thing every day, like a huge cheeseburger.
It's really just the indulgence that I'm focused on. I need these food-based rewards to motivate me to keep going though other things that suck at work or in my life generally. I subconsciously think "well, at least I have the pretzel and milk binge later."
Sad, no?
So my question is, how do I break this psychotic cycle?
Does anyone have a magic knack for stopping the cycle of thinking that "this is the last time." Or "I'll be responsible tomorrow." Or "I just can't deal with being hungry right now."
I will add in another layer here.
I used to be an alcoholic. I understand that some alcoholics will trade booze for sugar. I don't know that I've really done that. I think I can't do anything in moderation. More accurately, I need to have something "wrong" or "bad" or "indulgent" to satisfy me. Fortunately I never tried real drugs. I am currently addicted to the most socially acceptable and outwardly humiliating and obvious thing: food. Everyone knows because I'm fat. No one thinks I have poor character because I don't shoot food in my veins or meet it in sketchy hotel rooms.
Many alcoholics will say they are in recovery. But I am now a non-drinker. I was able to break the booze cycle before it really did any immediate physical damage to my body. (Some liver issues at the time, but nothing since, and the doctor assured me the liver heals itself quite well. I am in my late 20s.)
The tricky bit is that I can't be a non-eater.
I have to eat something, and it's like a former heroin addict living with his drug dealer. I can't actually get away from these things. What's more--I don't want to. I want to live in a world where there are delicious and indulgent things available to me. But I also want to be able to say not today. Saturday. Or maybe not on Saturday at all.
I want to be normal, and not a violent, obsessive cave person.
So I'm looking for advice. How the hell do I break the addiction to more? To indulgence? To unhealthy food? What's the way to rethink the decision? How do I reframe the way I choose?
I'm open to any and all suggestions of how to change this thinking.
(Yes, I should probably see a psychiatrist or psychologist or witch doctor or medicine man, but so should we all.)
I am hopeless.
When I first heard about No S, I had that initial enthusiasm, and I stuck with it for a little while, and I seem to recall it actually worked, or at the very least made me feel better.
But not anymore. I am like a wild cave person, ravenous and violent around food. I tear into things. That's really the best word, "tear." When I see food I have decided I'm going to eat, I black out in a way, and the beast inside takes over. And then I come to my senses later when I'm stuffed and thinking how stupid and fat I am, and how stupid and fat I was yesterday, and how I hope some deity will descend and deliver me from being as stupid and fat tomorrow as I am today.
But of course the deity is busy with people's actual problems, and me stuffing 35 white-chocolate-covered pretzels down my gullet doesn't really make it high up the list. Nor does guzzling enough whole milk to drown a baby cow.
I understand that the only person who's coming to the rescue of my body is me.
But I can't be bothered. I start most days with high hopes for doing well, for not eating any sweets or having any seconds, and I think that maybe by the time I walk out of work I'll be svelte and French and stylish. But then I immediately (almost) descend into cave person behavior again.
It starts with the coffee. A latte (free) made with 2% milk (for baby cows watching their baby-cow figure). But then I add 4 packets of sugar. Why? Well, because it's delicious and you all know it.
And then it's on to lunch. Usually my lunch is disappointing. I usually don't bring my lunch. So when I eat something that I didn't really want, the beast cave person begins planning.
"I will just eat this salad now, and no one will look at me and think 'yeah, that fat girl would be eating [whatever].' That way no one will be wiser to the second part of my plan, which is to go home and tear into the chocolate covered pretzels and whole milk."
Sadly, this plan is what gives me energy for the rest of the day.
I think, and I'm not sure because I'm not a doctor, but I think this is what serious addicts do. They're always scheming to get the next fix. And that is exactly what I do every day.
I can't say that it's even sugar that I'm obsessed with. I could do without sugar if I were to eat some delicious and unhealthy thing every day, like a huge cheeseburger.
It's really just the indulgence that I'm focused on. I need these food-based rewards to motivate me to keep going though other things that suck at work or in my life generally. I subconsciously think "well, at least I have the pretzel and milk binge later."
Sad, no?
So my question is, how do I break this psychotic cycle?
Does anyone have a magic knack for stopping the cycle of thinking that "this is the last time." Or "I'll be responsible tomorrow." Or "I just can't deal with being hungry right now."
I will add in another layer here.
I used to be an alcoholic. I understand that some alcoholics will trade booze for sugar. I don't know that I've really done that. I think I can't do anything in moderation. More accurately, I need to have something "wrong" or "bad" or "indulgent" to satisfy me. Fortunately I never tried real drugs. I am currently addicted to the most socially acceptable and outwardly humiliating and obvious thing: food. Everyone knows because I'm fat. No one thinks I have poor character because I don't shoot food in my veins or meet it in sketchy hotel rooms.
Many alcoholics will say they are in recovery. But I am now a non-drinker. I was able to break the booze cycle before it really did any immediate physical damage to my body. (Some liver issues at the time, but nothing since, and the doctor assured me the liver heals itself quite well. I am in my late 20s.)
The tricky bit is that I can't be a non-eater.
I have to eat something, and it's like a former heroin addict living with his drug dealer. I can't actually get away from these things. What's more--I don't want to. I want to live in a world where there are delicious and indulgent things available to me. But I also want to be able to say not today. Saturday. Or maybe not on Saturday at all.
I want to be normal, and not a violent, obsessive cave person.
So I'm looking for advice. How the hell do I break the addiction to more? To indulgence? To unhealthy food? What's the way to rethink the decision? How do I reframe the way I choose?
I'm open to any and all suggestions of how to change this thinking.
(Yes, I should probably see a psychiatrist or psychologist or witch doctor or medicine man, but so should we all.)